Where Do I Hang My Hat?: Importance of Community in our Lives

Do you belong to a community? Why did you join? Have you ever felt inspired to start a community? These are the questions I have been pondering this weekend.

At the most basic level, I have been struggling with uncovering what community really means to me. My thought process started with finding a definition of community. We live in a google age, for crying out loud, so I looked it up. First, google tells me that community is “a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common”. And, of course, a second definition is offered, “a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.”

Let me be brutally honest here- I have never been a joiner. Yesterday, I traveled through some very painful memories as I tried to understand why. I felt pain right away because I never fit in and focused in on the first definition of community as those living in the same location. From the moment I tried to befriend other children in the sandbox at the local park, I felt different and the other children did not embrace my efforts. I remember that awkwardness of trying to make friends, playing alone in the corner of the box and being ignored. I was painfully shy and now understand it may have been a result of the sexual abuse that occurred throughout my childhood. I always wanted to be a part of the childhood activities taking place in my local community; from elementary playground games to teens gathering is small circles to play cards at the community pool. The only activities I was asked to participate in were sports and music. I became exceptionally good in both of those areas because it felt good and I was an important part of the groups participating. I soon learned that being one of the best at something increased the likelihood that I would be invited into a community. However, being one of the best resulted in having competitors for the top spots, not friends, within the community. Traveling back to my local community in my mind brought sadness and angst to an otherwise beautiful Saturday morning.

So, I fast forwarded in my mind to my adult life, where I sought to share space with those with common interests and goals. My adult experiences have taught me that being one of the best in a group was a sure-fire way to be invited out or to never be invited into a community in the first place. Each group defines how status will be assigned, often resulting in a hierarchy of importance. When entering a group, there is a matrix of folks vying for positions within that group. Some individuals define themselves by their role in a group and to step into a particular group becomes interpreted as a challenge to their core identity. While everyone joined the community because they shared a common characteristic and wanted fellowship, I have found that I have an exceptionally low tolerance for “being a good girl and keeping my ideas/opinions to myself” to make someone else feel important. I have spent my life keeping a huge secret and that did not serve me well. From some of these statements, you may deduce that I am an arrogant and/or pushy person. Actually, I am quite the opposite. I am a very shy, sensitive soul that only seeks to be loved and embraced by others. I truly believe everyone shares that same need/want. I am quiet because I want to hide and avoid being hurt again. When I speak up, I do so because I feel a certain level of trust and want to add value to the conversation. However, I find that I am just very different than most folks because I dream, imagine possibilities beyond the present circumstances, and feel things very deeply and passionately.

For many reasons, I have found commUNITY not to be very unified. Perhaps, that is because we are the sum total of our experiences, choices, thoughts, actions and/or decisions. Perhaps, it is because so many folks have so many unresolved issues. Whatever the reason, having a group of people together for whatever reason seems to multiply personal dysfunctions … exponentially.

My experience as a community voyeur has revealed many important lessons:

1. If you don’t share your story, folks will make up their own story about you
2. For community to work well, communities should serve their members, and reciprocally, members should serve their community
3. All communities go through stages of development and change can sometimes be progress, and sometimes, change can be instigated by folks with personal agendas not for the benefit of the community
4. I do not have the patience or energy to be a part of communities that do not have a high degree of cohesion. For me, my sense of connection originates from a shared sense of purpose and a willingness to compromise. In a large group, no one will not get their "way” all of the time.
5. When the community’s mission and values no longer match mine, it is time to find another community.

So, it comes down to a personal cost-benefits analysis. What is the cost of staying in the communities that you already belong to? What is the benefit? After weighing those two factors together, should you stay in the community where you hang your hat? The community may have satisfied the needs and wants that you had at one time, but you have moved on to another phase of your life. It may be time to move on. Maybe your community is in a growing phase, its purpose or procedures are being challenged, and will come out in a better place to serve its members after the current transition? It may be time to volunteer for a leadership position. Or, maybe, you should start your own group? Whatever you decide, if we’ve learned anything through this COVID Chaos, we need to feel connected to other folks and community is important.

So, I complete this weekend taking a look into my being to determine what type of nurturing I need. I will join the groups that satisfy my needs, volunteer to help in communities in transition, and feel confident in starting a new group to satisfy needs that I have that are not cared for elsewhere. My goal continues to be to contribute and create communities where all members feel valued, understood, and connected to something larger than themselves. Collectively, we can make a difference in each others’ lives.

Toni Bear, Ed.D.

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